Paul Calf's Home Page - Bag O' Shite

[ Friends and Family | Philosophy | Quotes | Links ]

"Hello, my name's Paul Calf, support Man City. Like drinking, like a laugh, chat, you know - bit of a debate, argument, scrap, fight, punch up, break some bloke's nose. I like life." Friends and Family Bob "Hello, I'm Bob - Fat Bob - Paul's best mate and I am a car mechanic. We met twenty years ago. I was sitting on a swing eating a sherbert fountain and Paul come over and said "Have you got a light for my fag?". And I said "No." So then he said "Give us a bit of your Sherbert Fountain". So I said "No." So then, he emptied it over my head and pushed me off the swing and I cracked my head open - I had to have nine stitches." Pauline "I'm Pauline Calf, Paul's sister. I work in the Chemist's at the moment, but I'd really like to be a beautician in a salon. I'm 24, single, and gagging for it. No, I'm only joking. I'm 25." Roland "A student." Julie - My ex "Yeah, she's special. She'd do little things for me like, er bleach my hair wash my underpants. Wash my hair, bleach my underpants - you know it didn't matter as long as we was together. Only woman I've ever loved - apart from my Mam." "I love Julie, I can't lie any more - I'd do anything to get her back. I'd give up drinking - I'd cut down, on spirits, during the week. The point is I'd change." Tony - Julie's new boyfriend "Owner and driver of a Peugeot 205 GTi - that's shit!" Philosophy - my thoughts on life. "Having a body that drives women wild is a bit like having a green Ford Cortina mark 4 - you've either got one or you haven't. And I've got one." "There comes a time when a man has to stand up and say 'Yes I am Paul Calf. I've done some bad things, but if you can't accept me with all my paradox, well I'm sorry. But I make no apologies for that.' All I'm asking for is a little respect." Quotes Paul about Bob: "Bob the Blob, fat blobby bastard Bob." - 37K 8-bit mono wav Paul to Pauline: "We could stand around here chatting all day, but er, but we can't." - 67K 8-bit mono wav Re: Paul's Green Ford Cortina Mark 4: Paul: "That is class. You can't buy class." Bob: "Where did you get the fog lamps?" Paul:"Halfords." - 83K 8-bit mono wav Paul meets Roland: Roland: "I'm sorry is there a problem?" Paul: "I'm sorry is there a problem?" Roland: "Is there?" Paul: "Yeah, you!" Roland: "Why?" Paul: "You're a student!" - 84K 8-bit mono wav Paul to Roland: "Are you calling my car a queer?" - 20K 8-bit mono wav Paul to Roland: "You say another word, a little word, anything - I'll hit you!" - 56K 8-bit mono wav Paul to Roland: "I should have taken my ring off before I hit you - sorry!" - 36K 8-bit mono wav Cigarette Lighters and Life: Paul: "Disposable!" Roland: "Aren't we all?" Bob:"You can get refills." - 50K 8-bit mono wav Paul to Tony: "Forgive me, but you've got shit shoes on - you shitty shoed bastard!" - 84K 8-bit mono wav Tony to Paul: "Did no one ever tell you - that you're a twat Paul?" - 52K 8-bit mono wav Pauline to Paul: "If you didn't whistle you wouldn't know where to wipe your arse - you daft bastard." - 42K 8-bit mono wav Pauline to Paul: "If brains were shit you wouldn't have a sniff!" - 26K 8-bit mono wav Tomorrow: Paul's Mum: "Tomorrow never comes." Paul: "Yes it does. It did yesterday!" - 53K 8-bit mono wav Paul to his mum: "Shut up will you!" - 15K 8-bit mono wav Paul to Bob: "Come on Bob, let's get pissed!" - 24K 8-bit mono wav Links Man City Steve Coogan Alan Partridge people have been arsed to look at Paul Calf's Home Page. © 1996 dontmakemethink All Rights Reserved.